a self-consuming faith that earnestly fell short
There’s a group of people out there with a proclivity for over analyzing. You can say, “Thank you for the meal.”; and they will lose three days’ sleep trying to figure out precisely what you meant by it: Did you REALLY mean thank you? Perhaps you were implying the meal wasn’t tasty, perhaps it was flavorful, but an insufficient amount to be a meal portion. Maybe the inflection placed on the “you” was a little strong and there was implied resentment because you actually wanted to help and now you think I’m a showoff or a know it all. The spiral can be endlessly exhausting. Can be? Who am I kidding?! It is!
I am a card carrying member of that precise group of people. I can’t help it. Except, I can… well, not the “card carrying” part, but I can control the frequency I flash those credentials around. And before I start to head where I’m going with all this, I do wanna say that there are wonderful benefits to people that have a mind with this bent; but I wanna focus on the not-so-positive as this tends to be the more noticeable manifestation, and definitely the most tormenting. I can make things difficult. Jesus turned water into wine; but I turn the simple into the incomprehensible! Viola! And there is the rub. This is part of the reason I ended up where I was prior to where I am now. Where was I? Apostasy. Somewhere between Atheism, Agnosticism, and Apathy. (I know, I know, one cannot be between three things, one is among (or in the middle of) them, but stop being over analytical.) The point is, I was tired. Faith was hard work! I had it drilled into me that “by grace are ye saved through faith…” and “show me your faith without your works, and I’ll show you my faith by my works”. I wanted to believe. I had asked God to save me countless times. At first it was fear of “did I repeat the right mantra, confess enough sin, was it heartfelt?” That rabbit hole goes deep, friend. I began to question how I could tell if I was even sincere at all, or was I scared and feigning sincerity to keep from a horrible hellish doom? Doubts would stack upon doubts and lead me to wonder (just when I thought I had my doubt resolved) how could I have ever been saved if I could doubt my own sincerity. Thus continued the cycle of more pleading for salvation as sincerely as possible, just to be safe. Then there was the outward works part. Ever hear someone say something like, “I can’t do that because I’m a Christian.”? Well when I said it, it was more of “I can’t do that because [I need to be able to provide proof that] I’m a Christian.” See what I did there? I’ll show you my faith BY MY WORKS. Talk about exhausting! I spent most of my life trying to convince myself that I was convincing others that I truly believed. As if their opinion of my faith somehow made my faith more substantial. Then there was the next phase of resting in faith. What’s so wrong with that? Just wait… I told you, I can make something simple, incomprehensible. The Scripture records a wits-end questioner asking “What must I do to be saved?” The two persecuted believers replied to this shaken jailer, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved…” I am well acquainted with the doctrine of salvation by grace alone, but in my mind, no matter how badly I wanted to ascribe to that doctrine, “believe” was an action verb. How can you tell someone salvation isn’t by performing an action and then say all they have to do is some action to be saved?! You in the rabbit hole with me now? If so, I’m sorry… sorta. But I hope you climb out with me (I say this as I’m already out, but let’s keep pretending this historical state is present tense as it makes for better story-telling.) So here I was, a bible college graduate, husband, father, struggling financially; and the thing that made me lose sleep was did I believe the right things sincerely enough. It drove me to levels of anxiety and depression that I won’t describe here. I began to see that I was climbing out of one pitch black abyss just to tumble into another one with an even wider mouth and deeper floor. I eventually just decided to stop trying to climb out. I gave way to doubt. I decided I could live with the enemy. I figured if I embrace him then we are no longer at odds and I can live happily ever after. Sin wasn’t a concern anymore. I acted according to what I thought would benefit me and my family in our more immediate happiness. (Looking back now, it has costs me more than I knowingly agreed to pay.) My dad had countless “talks” with me as did others, including one of my co-workers. And it was during one of these extremely uncomfortable conversations with that co-worker that something started to happen. I shared with him some of my anger and resentment at living a life of constant doubt and depression instead of the life of joy that had been described and promised to me by countless pastors and devotional books. I told him I think it’s foolish to have this obsessional fear that one will make a decision that displeases God. That my purchasing a nicer vehicle might strike a non-believer as my being materialistic, causing them to reject Jesus and condemn their hell-bound soul. I explained to him I’m free of that now and it’s much better than the misery I lived in previously. His reply was, the Bible says to simply “acknowledge God” in all my ways. He went on to further say he doesn’t fear making the wrong choice. He simply asked God for direction and then trusts God to lead him. He just continues on his way, believing God will direct him. He was so nonchalant. Like he knew God would do it. There was no obsessive worry. It reminds me of when my daughter asks me for a sip of my delicious energy drink as she already begins to reach for it. She doesn’t anticipate “No” as being a possible response. It was this rest that he communicated that struck me. It was like I was seeing it for the first time. Faith. I began to see my ouroboros “faith”. Perhaps I had grossly misunderstood the childhood song I was taught, “O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E. Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe.” I’m not saying that song is the root of all my misconceptions, just that my previous understanding of it was used to buttress my distorted view of proof of faith in Jesus instead of faith in Jesus. Even as a kid wanted to believe, and I needed my works to prove to myself and others I believed. Without my works, I couldn’t be certain I, myself, believed; so my faith actually was placed in the works that I was doing in order to validate the faith I claimed to have. As I was speaking with my friend (and coworker) I don’t think he was attempting to speak directly to faith in Jesus; but what he said landed right there. Over the next few days I began to read the Scripture and pray (something I rarely did). As I read Hebrews, I came to realize that there was no point in time I had to set. There was no prayer I had to recite. I didn’t have to look at a clock and note the time. In my core, something had changed; was even changing still. I would acknowledge Jesus was historical; but now I was resting in His work. I didn’t need to prove to myself that I believed it. Perhaps it was because I had spent the last 7 years in unbelief ranging from (as I had mentioned before) atheism to apathy, but He had done it already and I was done. I didn’t have to do a darn thing. I didn’t have to list my sins (impossible anyway as I racked up quite the list in the past 7 years). I didn’t ask Him into my heart; I knew I didn't have to. In that very instant I knew, He did what He said He did, there’s nothing left for me to do. My faith is in Jesus, not faith in faith in Jesus. The interesting thing is things are beginning to change. Not because I need works to prove my faith; rather they are a result OF faith. I have no pressure to live a certain way so that some other believer will see my works and give me some much needed confirmation that I too am a believer. I don’t do things to prove to myself that I’m a believer. Nope. It’s personal. Me and The Spirit of God working through me as He sees fit. Will I screw up? Yeah, but that doesn’t change anything.
“Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
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